Thursday, April 1, 2010

Drunken & personal post

Sorry guys, I need an outlet, and I've decided since I'm thinking in English now anyway and, although I'm completely wasted at the moment, I still retain some ability to type, I'm going to pour it all out here. So please, sensitive souls, abstain from reading further.

I'm going back to my home country in three months now, and I'm terrified. There's nothing I could really do while I was here in the US about my situation, but that's gonna be different once I'm back there. And I'm terrified. What if I don't make it? What if I can't find a job, fend for myself, keep a clean home, raise my kid on my own?

I don't want to go. I'm gonna miss DC, although I can't say the feeling is mutual. Every fucking day, I ride my bike to the harbor, just to go somewhere, instead of just staying home. I stare at people, couples, passing by. Nobody notices me. That's a shame, cuz all that Twilight fanfic I've been reading has definitely given me some ideas, heated my blood.

And then, when the sun sets, I have no choice but to go back home, and nothing has happened, nothing has changed.

I'm a freaking 26 year old who still lives with her parents, has no clue about her future, no social life, celibate for the last two years, and sneaks out by the window to smoke cigarettes after drinking her parents' liquor, because my mom couldn't stand it if she knew I started smoking again.

And the worst part is I kinda like it, having this luxury, of being lost. That's my life right now. I'm at a crossroads and I don't know that I can handle it. I drink alone at night, and smoke cigarettes for the first time in a while, I'm longing a man's touch, but still, even if I need all this crutches right now, it's taking me one step closer to knowing who I am, maybe. Cuz I still don't have a clue.

Maybe tomorrow my head will be clear enough to start writing cover letters and stuff. Or I'll pick up my bass again and try to be a rockstar. Or I'll just watch another day go by, wishing I knew how to make cowboy boots, fix a car, or build a drawer chest.

I'm seriously fucked up, but I know others who are worse. So I've decided to stop worrying and go with the flow. (but seriously, I'd dig being a rockstar)