Thursday, April 1, 2010

Drunken & personal post

Sorry guys, I need an outlet, and I've decided since I'm thinking in English now anyway and, although I'm completely wasted at the moment, I still retain some ability to type, I'm going to pour it all out here. So please, sensitive souls, abstain from reading further.

I'm going back to my home country in three months now, and I'm terrified. There's nothing I could really do while I was here in the US about my situation, but that's gonna be different once I'm back there. And I'm terrified. What if I don't make it? What if I can't find a job, fend for myself, keep a clean home, raise my kid on my own?

I don't want to go. I'm gonna miss DC, although I can't say the feeling is mutual. Every fucking day, I ride my bike to the harbor, just to go somewhere, instead of just staying home. I stare at people, couples, passing by. Nobody notices me. That's a shame, cuz all that Twilight fanfic I've been reading has definitely given me some ideas, heated my blood.

And then, when the sun sets, I have no choice but to go back home, and nothing has happened, nothing has changed.

I'm a freaking 26 year old who still lives with her parents, has no clue about her future, no social life, celibate for the last two years, and sneaks out by the window to smoke cigarettes after drinking her parents' liquor, because my mom couldn't stand it if she knew I started smoking again.

And the worst part is I kinda like it, having this luxury, of being lost. That's my life right now. I'm at a crossroads and I don't know that I can handle it. I drink alone at night, and smoke cigarettes for the first time in a while, I'm longing a man's touch, but still, even if I need all this crutches right now, it's taking me one step closer to knowing who I am, maybe. Cuz I still don't have a clue.

Maybe tomorrow my head will be clear enough to start writing cover letters and stuff. Or I'll pick up my bass again and try to be a rockstar. Or I'll just watch another day go by, wishing I knew how to make cowboy boots, fix a car, or build a drawer chest.

I'm seriously fucked up, but I know others who are worse. So I've decided to stop worrying and go with the flow. (but seriously, I'd dig being a rockstar)

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2 Comments:

Blogger TongueTwied said...

ShotgunCharlie-

I truly wish you the best in the next stage of life. I hope you will consider developing like a 1,3, and 5-year plans for yourself. And I say this because you don't want to be 1 year from now repeating the same story as you did on your current blog post.

I hope that one year from now you are writing about how much your life has changed and all the things you have accomplished because you set goals and put a lot of effort into achieving the goals.

Always remember something I truly believe in, "Change brings about more change." So if you make a change it usually opens the door to more changes in your life. So rather than just going with the flow on everything, try to make some little changes for yourself. Get rolling with the cover letters and resumes, no one else can do it for you. I mean that with "Mom" type love, okay?

And I borrowed (read as: stole) your grandpa Edward line and used it on my blog but it was well worth it so please come over and check it out!

http://tonguetwied.blogspot.com/2010_03_01_archive.html

April 3, 2010 at 6:53 AM  
Blogger Stacked Like Sookie said...

Hey Charlie. I've been here about 6 times trying to work out what to say. I feel like my life is opposite in that nothing ever changes! Change is a good thing but it can also be a scary thing. I understand your apprehension but maybe if you try & look at it like an adventure, it might help. I understand your fears especially with raising your little one on your own, I struggle with raising kids & I'm in a marriage with a supportive husband! You seem to have your head screwed on straight & I'm sure things will work out for you. All the best darling. XX

April 8, 2010 at 11:47 PM  

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